A lasting marriage does not always signal a happy marriage. Plenty of miserable couples have stayed together for children, religion or other practical reasons. 長(zhǎng)久的婚姻未必總預(yù)示著幸福的婚姻,。許多不幸的夫妻守在一起不過(guò)是為了孩子,、宗教信仰或其他現(xiàn)實(shí)原因。 But for many couples, it’s just not enough to stay together. They want a relationship that is meaningful and satisfying. In short, they want a sustainable marriage. 但對(duì)許多配偶而言,，長(zhǎng)相廝守可遠(yuǎn)遠(yuǎn)不夠,。他們想要的是富有意義、令人滿足的婚姻關(guān)系,。簡(jiǎn)而言之,，他們想要的是可持續(xù)的婚姻。 “The things that make a marriage last have more to do with communication skills, mental health, social support, stress — those are the things that allow it to last or not,” says Arthur Aron, a psychology professor who directs the Interpersonal Relationships Laboratory at the State University of New York at Stony Brook. “But those things don’t necessarily make it meaningful or enjoyable or sustaining to the individual.” “保持婚姻持久與溝通技巧,、心理健康,、社會(huì)支持、壓力這些因素的關(guān)系更加密切,，它們可讓婚姻持續(xù),，亦或相反,，”心理學(xué)教授阿瑟·阿倫（Arthur Aron）說(shuō)道,，他在紐約州立大學(xué)斯托尼布魯克分校指導(dǎo)著人際關(guān)系實(shí)驗(yàn)室,。“不過(guò)這些因素對(duì)個(gè)體而言,，并不一定有意義,、可享受和可持續(xù)?！?/font> The notion that the best marriages are those that bring satisfaction to the individual may seem counterintuitive. After all, isn’t marriage supposed to be about putting the relationship first? 最佳婚姻是那些能夠給個(gè)體帶去滿足感的婚姻——這一觀點(diǎn)也許看來(lái)違反直覺(jué),。畢竟，婚姻難道不該是把兩人之間的關(guān)系置于首位嗎,？ Not anymore. For centuries, marriage was viewed as an economic and social institution, and the emotional and intellectual needs of the spouses were secondary to the survival of the marriage itself. But in modern relationships, people are looking for a partnership, and they want partners who make their lives more interesting. 不再是如此了,。幾個(gè)世紀(jì)以來(lái)，婚姻都被視作一種經(jīng)濟(jì)與社會(huì)契約,，相對(duì)于婚姻本身的存續(xù),，配偶的情感與理智的需要反而退居其次。但在現(xiàn)代婚姻關(guān)系里,，人們尋求的是伴侶關(guān)系,，他們希望另一半能使自己的生活更添情趣。 Caryl Rusbult, a researcher at Vrije University in Amsterdam who died last January, called it the “Michelangelo effect,” referring to the manner in which close partners “sculpt” each other in ways that help each of them attain valued goals. 去年一月去世的阿姆斯特丹自由大學(xué)研究者卡瑞爾·魯斯布爾特（Caryl Rusbult）稱之為“米開(kāi)朗基羅效應(yīng)”,，意指親密伴侶互相“雕刻”的行為能幫助他們實(shí)現(xiàn)各自的價(jià)值目標(biāo),。 Dr. Aron and Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., a professor at Monmouth University in New Jersey, have studied how individuals use a relationship to accumulate knowledge and experiences, a process called “self-expansion.” Research shows that the more self-expansion people experience from their partner, the more committed and satisfied they are in the relationship. 阿倫博士和新澤西蒙默斯大學(xué)教授小加里·W·勒萬(wàn)多維斯基（Gary W. Lewandowski Jr.）對(duì)個(gè)體如何運(yùn)用婚姻關(guān)系來(lái)積淀知識(shí)與經(jīng)驗(yàn)進(jìn)行了研究，這一過(guò)程被稱為“自我擴(kuò)展”,。研究顯示,，人們由其伴侶體驗(yàn)的自我擴(kuò)展越多，他們?cè)诨橐鲫P(guān)系中就會(huì)越堅(jiān)如磐石,、心滿意足,。 To measure this, Dr. Lewandowski developed a series of questions for couples: How much has being with your partner resulted in your learning new things? How much has knowing your partner made you a better person? (Take the full quiz measuring self-expansion.) 為了對(duì)此作出評(píng)估，勒萬(wàn)多維斯基博士為夫妻設(shè)計(jì)了一系列問(wèn)題：與你的伴侶在一起能讓你學(xué)到多少新東西,？你的伴侶能多大程度使你成為更好的人,？（做完整測(cè)驗(yàn)，評(píng)估你的自我擴(kuò)展,。） While the notion of self-expansion may sound inherently self-serving, it can lead to stronger, more sustainable relationships, Dr. Lewandowski says. 雖然自我擴(kuò)展的概念可能聽(tīng)起來(lái)是一種自私自利,，但它卻通向更牢不可破、更持續(xù)發(fā)展的婚姻關(guān)系,，勒萬(wàn)多維斯基博士如是說(shuō),。 “If you’re seeking self-growth and obtain it from your partner, then that puts your partner in a pretty important position,” he explains. “And being able to help your partner’s self-expansion would be pretty pleasing to yourself.” “如果你在尋求自我成長(zhǎng)，并從你的伴侶那兒獲得,，那么你會(huì)將他/她置于一個(gè)相當(dāng)重要的位置,，”他解釋道,。“能夠幫助你的伴侶自我擴(kuò)展對(duì)你自己而言也是件非常愉悅的事情,?！?/font> The concept explains why people are delighted when dates treat them to new experiences, like a weekend away. But self-expansion isn’t just about exotic experiences. Individuals experience personal growth through their partners in big and small ways. It happens when they introduce new friends, or casually talk about a new restaurant or a fascinating story in the news. 此概念解釋了人們會(huì)在有時(shí)間享受新鮮體驗(yàn)，如周末出游時(shí)感到高興的原因,。但自我擴(kuò)展并不僅與新奇體驗(yàn)有關(guān),。個(gè)體由其伴侶獲得的個(gè)人成長(zhǎng)體驗(yàn)可大可小。介紹新朋友時(shí)會(huì)發(fā)生,，或者不經(jīng)意間談?wù)撔虏宛^或新聞中的迷人故事時(shí)也會(huì)發(fā)生,。 The effect of self-expansion is particularly pronounced when people first fall in love. In research at the University of California at Santa Cruz, 325 undergraduate students were given questionnaires five times over 10 weeks. They were asked, “Who are you today?” and given three minutes to describe themselves. They were also asked about recent experiences, including whether they had fallen in love. 當(dāng)人們開(kāi)始?jí)嬋霅?ài)河時(shí),，自我擴(kuò)展的效果尤其顯著。在加州大學(xué)圣克魯斯分校的研究中,，對(duì)325名大學(xué)生在10周內(nèi)進(jìn)行了5次問(wèn)卷調(diào)查,。他們被問(wèn)到,，“今天你是誰(shuí),？”并給他們3分鐘時(shí)間來(lái)描述自己,。他們還被問(wèn)到最近的經(jīng)歷，包括是否戀愛(ài)了,。 After students reported falling in love, they used more varied words in their self-descriptions. The new relationships had literally broadened the way they looked at themselves. 在學(xué)生們宣布自己墜入愛(ài)河之后,，他們?cè)谧晕颐枋鲋杏玫降脑~匯更加豐富多彩了,。新關(guān)系確實(shí)讓他們?cè)诳创陨淼膯?wèn)題上豁然開(kāi)朗,。 “You go from being a stranger to including this person in the self, so you suddenly have all of these social roles and identities you didn’t have before,” explains Dr. Aron, who co-authored the research. “When people fall in love that happens rapidly, and it’s very exhilarating.” “以前是陌生人，現(xiàn)在此人卻與自己有了關(guān)系,，忽然之間你擁有了從未有過(guò)的社會(huì)角色與身份,，”阿倫博士解釋道，他是該項(xiàng)研究的合作作者?！爱?dāng)人們墜入愛(ài)河時(shí),，這會(huì)迅速發(fā)生，而且非常使人振奮,?！?/font> Over time, the personal gains from lasting relationships are often subtle. Having a partner who is funny or creative adds something new to someone who isn’t. A partner who is an active community volunteer creates new social opportunities for a spouse who spends long hours at work. 久而久之,，個(gè)人由持久關(guān)系的獲益往往變得微妙起來(lái),。滑稽可笑或富于創(chuàng)新的那位會(huì)給不諳此道的另一半添加些新性格，積極社區(qū)志愿者的這位會(huì)為只顧埋頭工作的另一半創(chuàng)造新的社交機(jī)會(huì),。 Additional research suggests that spouses eventually adopt the traits of the other — and become slower to distinguish differences between them, or slower to remember which skills belong to which spouse. 附加的研究表明,，配偶最終適應(yīng)了彼此的特性——找出他們之間的差別越來(lái)越慢，或者更慢才能想起哪項(xiàng)技能屬于誰(shuí)。 In experiments by Dr. Aron, participants rated themselves and their partners on a variety of traits, like “ambitious” or “artistic.” A week later, the subjects returned to the lab and were shown the list of traits and asked to indicate which ones described them. 在阿倫博士的實(shí)驗(yàn)中,，參與者就各類特性,，如“抱負(fù)”和“藝術(shù)性”，對(duì)自己與伴侶作出評(píng)價(jià),。一周之后,，研究對(duì)象返回實(shí)驗(yàn)室,，研究人員向他們出示一組特性,，要求他們指出哪些可用來(lái)描述自己。 People responded the quickest to traits that were true of both them and their partner. When the trait described only one person, the answer came more slowly. The delay was measured in milliseconds, but nonetheless suggested that when individuals were particularly close to someone, their brains were slower to distinguish between their traits and those of their spouses. 人們反應(yīng)最快的特性是他們與其伴侶共有的,。當(dāng)該特性僅用于描述一個(gè)人時(shí),，答案出來(lái)要更慢。這種延遲以毫秒來(lái)計(jì)算,，不過(guò)依然表明,，當(dāng)個(gè)體與另一半關(guān)系非常親密時(shí)，他們更慢才能區(qū)分哪些是自己的特性，哪些是配偶的特性,。 “It’s easy to answer those questions if you’re both the same,” Dr. Lewandowski explains. “But if it’s just true of you and not of me, then I have to sort it out. It happens very quickly, but I have to ask myself, ‘Is that me or is that you?’ ” “如果特性相同,，那么回答問(wèn)題會(huì)很簡(jiǎn)單，”勒萬(wàn)多維斯基博士解釋道,?！暗侨绻@只對(duì)你是這樣，而對(duì)我不是這樣,，那么我必須有所選擇,。雖然選擇過(guò)程非常快,，但我非得問(wèn)自己,，‘這是我還是你？’” It’s not that these couples lost themselves in the marriage; instead, they grew in it. Activities, traits and behaviors that had not been part of their identity before the relationship were now an essential part of how they experienced life. 這并不是說(shuō)這些夫婦在婚姻中迷失了自我,，相反,，他們發(fā)展了自我。在婚姻關(guān)系之前與他們毫不相干的活動(dòng),、特性與行為,，如今卻成了他們生活體驗(yàn)的必要組成。 All of this can be highly predictive for a couple’s long-term happiness. One scale designed by Dr. Aron and colleagues depicts seven pairs of circles. The first set is side by side. With each new set, the circles begin to overlap until they are nearly on top of one another. Couples choose the set of circles that best represents their relationship. In a 2009 report in the journal Psychological Science, people bored in their marriages were more likely to choose the more separate circles. Partners involved in novel and interesting experiences together were more likely to pick one of the overlapping circles and less likely to report boredom. “People have a fundamental motivation to improve the self and add to who they are as a person,” Dr. Lewandowski says. “If your partner is helping you become a better person, you become happier and more satisfied in the relationship.” 所有這些極有可能預(yù)示著一對(duì)夫妻能夠贏得長(zhǎng)期幸福,。由阿倫博士及其同事所設(shè)計(jì)的一項(xiàng)尺度描繪了7對(duì)圓圈,。第一組的兩個(gè)圓圈是并排的沒(méi)有交集。往下走,，圓圈開(kāi)始重疊,，直到它們幾乎完全覆蓋。夫妻選擇能夠最好代表他們婚姻關(guān)系的一組圓圈,。2009年《心理科學(xué)》期刊的一份報(bào)告顯示,，對(duì)婚姻厭倦者更可能選擇分開(kāi)的圓圈。那些共度新奇有趣人生體驗(yàn)的伴侶則更可能選擇重疊的圓圈,，他們很少表示厭倦情緒,。“人們提升自己是一種基本動(dòng)機(jī),，這是他們?yōu)槿说男枰?，”勒萬(wàn)多維斯基博士坦言?！叭绻愕牧硪话胝龓椭阕兊酶?，那么在這份婚姻關(guān)系里你會(huì)更幸福、更滿足,?！?/font> |
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