What are you doing on this stage in front of all these people?Run now.

你站在這個(gè)舞臺(tái)上做什么,？ 還當(dāng)著這么多人的面？馬上逃跑,！

That's the voice of my anxiety talking. Even when there's absolutely nothing wrong, I sometimes get this overwhelming sense of doom, like danger is lurking just around the corner.

這是我內(nèi)心的緊張情緒在說(shuō)話,。 即便一切都進(jìn)行得很順利， 我也經(jīng)常會(huì)有這種巨大的挫敗感,， 總覺(jué)得危險(xiǎn)無(wú)處不在,。

You see, a few years ago, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety and depression -- two conditions that often go hand in hand. Now, there was a time I wouldn't have told anybody, especially not in front of a big audience. As a black woman, I've had to develop extraordinary resilience to succeed. And like most people in my community, I had the misconception that depression was a sign of weakness, a character flaw. But I wasn't weak; I was a high achiever. I'd earned a Master's degree in Media Studies and had a string of high-profile jobs in the film and television industries. I'd even won two Emmy Awards for my hard work. Sure, I was totally spent, I lacked interest in things I used to enjoy, barely ate, struggled with insomnia and felt isolated and depleted. But depressed? No, not me.

幾年前， 我被診斷出患有焦慮癥,， 和抑郁癥—— 這兩種疾病經(jīng)常會(huì)同時(shí)發(fā)生,。 這段經(jīng)歷我本不愿跟任何人分享， 尤其是當(dāng)著這么多人的面,。 作為一名黑人女性,， 我必須有極強(qiáng)的 適應(yīng)能力才能取得成功。 如同我社區(qū)中的大部分人一樣,， 我誤以為抑郁癥是軟弱的表現(xiàn),， 是一種人格缺陷。 但我并不軟弱,， 我還蠻成功的,。 我獲得了媒體研究的碩士學(xué)位， 在電影和電視行業(yè) 有一系列不錯(cuò)的履歷,。 我的出色表現(xiàn) 還讓我獲得了兩次艾美獎(jiǎng),。 沒(méi)錯(cuò)，我感到精疲力盡,， 我對(duì)之前喜歡的事情喪失了興趣， 茶飯不思,， 被失眠所困擾,， 覺(jué)得孤單和消沉。 但是抑郁癥,？ 跟我沒(méi)什么關(guān)系吧,。

It took weeks before I could admit it, but the doctor was right: I was depressed. Still, I didn't tell anybody about my diagnosis. I was too ashamed. I didn't think I had the right to be depressed. I had a privileged life with a loving family and a successful career. And when I thought about the unspeakable horrors that my ancestors had been through in this country so that I could have it better, my shame grew even deeper. I was standing on their shoulders. How could I let them down? I would hold my head up, put a smile on my face and never tell a soul.

過(guò)了好幾周我才承認(rèn)， 醫(yī)生是對(duì)的,， 我的確抑郁了,。 但我仍然沒(méi)有告訴任何人。 我覺(jué)得羞愧難當(dāng),。 我從沒(méi)想過(guò)我也有抑郁的權(quán)利,。 我生活條件優(yōu)越， 家庭幸福，事業(yè)有成,。 尤其當(dāng)我想到,， 正因?yàn)槲业淖嫦葌冊(cè)谶@個(gè)國(guó)家 遭受到那些無(wú)法描述的苦難， 所以我才能過(guò)得好一些,， 我就越發(fā)感到愧疚,。 我是站在他們肩膀上的。 我怎么能讓他們失望呢,？ 我只能昂起頭,， 面帶微笑， 不對(duì)任何人說(shuō),。 

On July 4, 2013, my world came crashing in on me. That was the day I got a phone call from my mom telling me that my 22-year-old nephew, Paul, had ended his life, after years of battling depression and anxiety. There are no words that can describe the devastation I felt. Paul and I were very close, but I had no idea he was in so much pain. Neither one of us had ever talked to the other about our struggles. The shame and stigma kept us both silent.

2013年7月4日,，我的世界徹底崩潰了。 我接到母親的電話,， 說(shuō)我22歲的侄子,，保羅， 在與焦慮癥和抑郁癥抗?fàn)幎嗄曛螅?nbsp;結(jié)束了自己的生命,。 沒(méi)有語(yǔ)言足以形容我的絕望,。 我跟保羅很親密， 但我從來(lái)不知道 他遭受著如此大的痛苦,。 我們也從未跟對(duì)方提起過(guò) 自己的掙扎與抗?fàn)帯?nbsp;羞愧與恥辱感讓我倆都保持沉默,。

Now, my way of dealing with adversity is to face it head on, so I spent the next two years researching depression and anxiety, and what I found was mind-blowing. The World Health Organization reports that depression is the leading cause of sickness and disability in the world. While the exact cause of depression isn't clear, research suggests that most mental disorders develop, at least in part, because of a chemical imbalance in the brain, and/or an underlying genetic predisposition. So you can't just shake it off.

現(xiàn)在，我應(yīng)對(duì)逆境的方式 就是昂首向前,， 接下來(lái)我花了兩年時(shí)間 來(lái)研究抑郁癥和焦慮癥,， 而結(jié)果讓我大吃一驚。 根據(jù)世界衛(wèi)生組織的報(bào)告,， 抑郁癥是在世界范圍內(nèi) 導(dǎo)致疾病和傷殘 最主要的原因,。 導(dǎo)致抑郁癥的準(zhǔn)確原因尚不清楚， 研究顯示,，大部分精神疾病的發(fā)生,， 至少有一部分原因， 是因?yàn)榇竽X化學(xué)物質(zhì)的不平衡,， 以及/或者潛在的遺傳易感性,。 因此你無(wú)法根除它。

For black Americans, stressors like racism and socioeconomic disparities put them at a 20 percent greater risk of developing a mental disorder, yet they seek mental health services at about half the rate of white Americans. One reason is the stigma, with 63 percent of black Americans mistaking depression for a weakness. Sadly, the suicide rate among black children has doubled in the past 20 years.

對(duì)于美國(guó)黑人而言,， 來(lái)自種族歧視和 社會(huì)經(jīng)濟(jì)差異上的壓力 使他們患上心理疾病的 幾率要高20%,， 然而他們尋求心理治療的比例 僅僅達(dá)到美國(guó)白人的一半左右。 原因之一就是感到羞恥,， 有63%的美國(guó)黑人將抑郁癥 誤認(rèn)為是軟弱的表現(xiàn),。 令人悲傷的是,，黑人兒童的自殺率 在過(guò)去20年里增加了一倍。

Now, here's the good news: seventy percent of people struggling with depression will improve with therapy, treatment and medication. Armed with this information, I made a decision: I wasn't going to be silent anymore. With my family's blessing, I would share our story in hopes of sparking a national conversation.

當(dāng)然,，也有好消息： 受到抑郁癥困擾的人,， 在治療和藥物的幫助下， 有70%情況會(huì)有所好轉(zhuǎn),。 掌握了這些信息后,， 我做出了一個(gè)決定： 我不會(huì)再沉默下去。 有家人的祝福,， 我要把我們的故事分享出去,， 希望能引發(fā)一場(chǎng)全國(guó)性的大討論。

A friend, Kelly Pierre-Louis, said, 'Being strong is killing us.' She's right. We have got to retire those tired, old narratives of the strong black woman and the super-masculine black man, who, no matter how many times they get knocked down, just shake it off and soldier on. Having feelings isn't a sign of weakness. Feelings mean we're human. And when we deny our humanity, it leaves us feeling empty inside, searching for ways to self-medicate in order to fill the void. My drug was high achievement.

我的一個(gè)朋友,， 凱麗·皮埃爾-露易絲說(shuō),， “逞強(qiáng)在毀掉我們?！?nbsp;她說(shuō)的沒(méi)錯(cuò),。 我們要擯棄那些老舊過(guò)時(shí)的敘述， 比如堅(jiān)強(qiáng)的黑人女性,， 無(wú)比陽(yáng)剛的黑人男性,， 他們無(wú)論被擊倒多少次， 都會(huì)爬起來(lái),，拍拍灰,，繼續(xù)前進(jìn)。 感情豐富并不是軟弱的標(biāo)志,。 那意味著我們還有人性,。 如果我們連自己的人性都否定了， 那就成了空心人,， 終日尋找自我治療的良藥,， 填補(bǔ)內(nèi)心的空白。 我的良藥就是巨大的成功,。

These days, I share my story openly, and I ask others to share theirs, too. I believe that's what it takes to help people who may be suffering in silence to know that they are not alone and to know that with help, they can heal. Now, I still have my struggles, particularly with the anxiety, but I'm able to manage it through daily mediation, yoga and a relatively healthy diet.

這些天來(lái),，我公開(kāi)分享自己的故事， 我也鼓勵(lì)大家分享自己的,。 我堅(jiān)信必須這么做才能 幫助那些在沉默中忍受痛苦的人們 讓他們知道自己并不孤獨(dú)， 讓他們相信自己需要幫助,， 是可以被治愈的,。 現(xiàn)在我依然在遭受痛苦， 主要還是焦慮癥,， 但我可以控制它,， 通過(guò)每天服藥,，練瑜伽 以及“相對(duì)健康的”飲食。

If I feel like things are starting to spiral, I make an appointment to see my therapist, a dynamic black woman named Dawn Armstrong, who has a great sense of humor and a familiarity that I find comforting. I will always regret that I couldn't be there for my nephew. But my sincerest hope is that I can inspire others with the lesson that I've learned.

一旦我感覺(jué)自己狀態(tài)不好了,， 我就會(huì)約我的治療師見(jiàn)面,， 她是一位充滿活力的黑人女性叫 道恩·阿姆斯特朗， 她很幽默,， 很親切,，讓我感到安心。 我一直非常后悔 沒(méi)有能為我侄子做些什么,。 但我真誠(chéng)地希望 能讓大家吸取我的教訓(xùn),。

Life is beautiful. Sometimes it's messy, and it's always unpredictable. But it will all be OK when you have your support system to help you through it. I hope that if your burden gets too heavy, you'll ask for a hand, too.Thank you.

生命是美麗的。 有時(shí)候也會(huì)不順利,， 永遠(yuǎn)充滿未知,。 但一切都會(huì)好起來(lái)的， 只要擁有能幫助到你的體制,。 希望你們?cè)趽尾蛔〉臅r(shí)候,， 也會(huì)去尋求幫助。謝謝大家,。