Emotional Intelligence 本書關于通過宣傳禪宗冥想的方法和優(yōu)勢,，來提高情緒智力（國內(nèi)誤作“情商”）（這點還要繼續(xù)看文章解釋EQ和EI的區(qū)別）,，從而提高每個人的Kindness,，通過人們相互傳遞kindness,，goodness來達到世界和平。

Chapt 1.

作者是谷歌工作的工程師,。他的方法是“scientifically grounded, highly practical, and expressed in alanguage that even I（as a pragmatic person) can understand.”

1. 作者的目的是通過search inside yourself這個課程促進個人發(fā)展和世界和平

In Google, the effort to make these methodswidely accessible began when we asked ourselves this question: what if peoplecan also use contemplative practices to help them succeed in life and at work?In other words, what if contemplative practices can be made beneficial both topeople’s careers and to business bottom lines? {Anything that is both good forpeople and good for business will spread widely. If we can make this work,people around the world can become more successful at achieving their goals. Ibelieve the skills offered here will help create greater peace and happiness inyour life and the lives of those around you, and that peace and happiness canultimately spread around the world.

在跋里作者也寫到,，Myepiphany is that “saving the world” is so hard and takes so much effort that if you strive hard to “save the world”, it is not likely to be sustainable. Instead, it is more skillful to focus on developinginner peace, compassion, and aspiration. When inner peace, compassion, andaspiration are all strong, compassionate action comes naturally andorganically, and hence, it is sustainable.

2.提高情商的三個分支：

attention training

self-knowledge and self-mastery

creating useful mental habits

本書就是關于這三個方面

Chapt 2

1. 情緒智力的定義

The ability to monitor one's own andothers' feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use thisinformation to guide one's thinking and actions

是后天習得的

根據(jù)經(jīng)典定義，可以進一步分解為self-awareness,，self-regulation,，motivation (這三個是intrapersonal intelligence），empathy和scial skills（這兩個是interpersonal intelligence)

2. 情緒智力的好處

stellar work performance, outstandingleadership, and the ability to create the conditions for happiness.

其實就是有利工作,，有利自己（關于有利自己的mental well-being,；作者是這樣說的-We all have a set point of happiness that we return to whenever theeuphoria of a pleasant experience or the sting of an unpleasant experiencefades out. Many of us assume this set point to be static, but my personalexperience and that of many others like Matthieu suggest this set point to bemovable with deliberate training.）

3. 情緒智力是可以訓練來獲得、提高的

4. 訓練的途徑：

（1）Train attention

原因：在stimulus和response中間有一定的space,，夠?qū)Ｗ⒕湍艽蟠罄眠@個space進行冷靜的思考

【重要!The morewe are able to create space between stimulus and reaction, the more control wewill have over our emotional lives. 】

訓練attention的途徑：mindfulness meditation(“Mindfulness is paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in thepresent moment, and non-judgmentally”.)

（2）Train at the level of physiology

情緒和一些Physical的變化緊緊聯(lián)系（比如生氣時胸部和頭部會變tihgt）,所以要Train yourself to observe your mind all the time 或者說develop a high-resolutionperception of the body

5.最后提的建議,，2 min mindfulness a day - Allyou really need to do is to pay attention moment-to-moment without judging. Itis that simple.

享受、珍惜being的感覺,。

Chapt.3

1. 發(fā)現(xiàn)老外特別信meditation（當然也特別信去gym,。某種意義上兩者是同樣重要的，一個鍛煉心,，一個鍛煉體,。而且都對人整個狀態(tài)的調(diào)整有利。）

這本書用的是meditation中的mindfulness meditation, 并且mindfulness meditation鍛煉的是attention和meta-attention兩種能力,。

2. 怎么做呢

（1）create an intention

這和我每年的new yearresolution都一樣的,，想個理由，并且堅持

今年的new yearresolution是變干凈變漂亮

另外要不要開始每月計劃,？

（2）follow your breath

attention - distraction - regainattentional focus - ... - return to following your breath and, whenever it ishelpful, remind yourself of your intention. Welcome back.

3. 冥想姿勢

（1） Back straight “l(fā)ike an arrow”

（2） Legs crossed in “l(fā)otus position”

（3） Shoulders relaxed, held up andback, “l(fā)ike a vulture”

（4） Chin tucked in slightly, “l(fā)ike aniron hook”

（5） Eyes closed or gazing into space

（6） Tongue held against the upperpalate

（7） Lips slightly apart, teeth notclenched

或者想像自己是一座（你最喜歡的）山

關鍵在于這個姿勢能讓人alertAND relaxed

4.冥想過程中如果If at any time you feel distracted by a sensation, thought, orsound, just acknowledge it, experience it, and very gently let it go.

5. 如果啥都記不到,，就記得冥想是關于一句話——

Breathing as if your life depends on it.

Chapt 4.

上一章講怎么通過冥想訓練mindfulness，這一章講怎么在生活中利用mindfulness（或者說attention，利用好stimulus和response中間那段時間差）

兩種途徑：from restto activity和from self toothers

eg. (上章講的Sitting Meditation)

Expensive Food Meditation 認真品味每一餐

Walking Media

eg*. creating an artificial environment forone person to speak while another listens mindfully (兩個人訓練,，A演講三分鐘B聽,然后輪換）或listenmindfully to another person and generously give him or her the space to speakduring any ordinary conversation（非常專注地聽一個人講話）

*注：這種方法（mindful listening)可以進化成mindful conversation,。mindful conversation=mindful listening looping（重述、獲得反饋,、重述以加深理解） dipping（Dipping means checking in withyourself, knowing how you are feeling 身體上的和精神上的about what you are hearing）

eg.其他：joyful mindfulness 認真體會小微幸

最后,，關鍵在于堅持。

-------這章開始關于self-awareness(self-knowledge and self-mastery)----------

Chapt. 5

1. Self-awareness就是knowing one's internal states,preferences, resources and intuitions,。加深self-awareness意味著要develope clarity within oneself,。其中需要開發(fā)兩種東西：resolution(precision)和vividness(brightness and contrast)

2.self-awareness包含三個方面：

(1)emotional awareness(accuratelyperceiving emotions in one's body, knowing where they come from, andunderstanding how they affect one's behavior)感覺和前幾章講的attention是一回事，把握情感的變化

(2)accurate self-assessment(What are mystrengths and weaknesses? What are my resources and limitations? What mattersto me?)最后要達到正確客觀地認識自我,，不拔高不拉低——self-objectivity

(3)self-confidence真正的自信是該有魄力時有魄力,，該謙遜時謙遜

作者說，[In most situations, when interacting with people, I let my egobecome small, humble, and mostly irrelevant, while focusing on bringingkindness and benefit to whomever I am interacting with. At the same time, I letmy ego grow to whatever size that allows me to be unintimidated by whomever Iam interacting with, whether it is Bill Clinton, Natalie Portman, a trafficcop, or a large audience watching me on YouTube]* 壓力大時如何提高自信,？要了解自己的failure mode（為什么會fail,，短板是什么）和recovery mode(我是怎么恢復的，恢復的應對策略）

三者是線性關系,。

這里作者舉了一個很好的例子,，當他必須參加一個高級會議而緊張時，他的做法是：

Happily, my mindfulness training kicked in.First, I remembered to treat my ego with humor and let it be small enough thatmy “self” did not matter, but big enough that I felt perfectly comfortablespeaking alongside a Nobel peace laureate at a peace conference as an equal.Then I remembered my strengths and limitations—for example, I knew I was anexpert at wisdom practices in a corporate setting but knew nothing aboutcreating national peace infrastructures, so I focused on adding value where Icould contribute the most. I also reminded myself that my main strength was myability to contribute to an atmosphere of peace and humor in a room, so Istayed in a meditative state of Joyful Mindfulness (see Chapter 3) as much as Icould.

Finally, I understood my most immediatefailure mode, which was stumbling on English words while speaking, and myrecovery mode strategy, which was to breathe deeply, smile, maintainmindfulness, and not let my occasional faltering bother me. Employing all theseself-awareness–based strategies, I was able to maintain my confidence theentire time. I am glad I learned this stuff.

3. 這章講的self-awareness和上章講的mindfulness其實是一回事,。而因為mindfulness是可以訓練的,，self-awareness也是可以訓練的。訓練渠道

(1)body scan (和訓練mindfulness一樣用冥想）

Scan Body

Head

Now bring your attention to the top of yourhead, ears, and back of your head. Notice sensations, or lack of sensations,for 1 minute.

Face

Now move your attention to your face. Yourforehead, eyes, cheeks, nose, lips, mouth, and inside of your mouth (gums,tongue) for 1 minute.

Neck and Shoulders

Move your attention to your neck, theinside of your throat, and your shoulders for 1 minute.

Back

Move your attention to your lower back, midback, and upper back for 1 minute. The back carries a lot of our load andstores a lot of our tension. So let us give our backs the kind and lovingattention they deserve.

Front

Now move your attention to the chest andstomach for 1 minute. If it is possible for you, try to bring attention to yourinternal organs, whatever that means to you.

Entire Body at Once

And now, bring your attention to yourentire body all at once for 1 minute.

Scan for Emotion

Did you find any emotion in your body? Ifthere is any, just notice its presence in the body. If not, just notice theabsence of emotions, and catch one if it arises in the next 2 minutes.

Positive Emotion

Let us now try to experience a positiveemotion in the body.

Bring to mind a memory of a happy, joyousevent or a time when you were optimal and productive or a time when you feltconfident. Experience the feeling of positive emotion. Now, bring yourattention to your body. What does that positive emotion feel like in the body?In the face? Neck, chest, back? How are you breathing? Any difference in levelof tension? Let us just experience it for 3 minutes.

(2)journaling

其實就是自由自在隨便寫自己的想法,，you are writing to yourself, for yourself, and you will never haveto show this to another person unless you want to. Hence, you can do this withfull honesty.

4.作者強調(diào),，我們不是我們的情緒（we are not our emotions）。情緒只是一種生理現(xiàn)象,，emotions become what we experience in the body, so we go from “I amangry” to “I experience(feel) anger in my body”. 這意味著我們可以master我們的情緒,。

Chapt 6.

這章可以被概括為FromCompulsion to Choice。上章是講認識自己的情緒（比如通過冥

想和Journaling）這章是講控制自己的情緒,。

1.self-regulation,，包括

(1)self-control: keeping disruptiveemotions and impulses in check比如別對老板發(fā)火

(2)trustworthiness: maintaining standardsof honesty and integrity

(3)conscientiousness: taking responsibilityfor personal performance

(4)adaptability: flexibility in handlingchange

(5)innovation: being comfortable with novelideas, approaches, and information

作者認為自己能夠控制自己，能夠作出選擇choice而不是被迫compulsion,，就能得到上面的五種能力

2.Self-regulation is not about avoiding emotions,nor about denying or repressing true feelings.而是while we cannot stop an unwholesome thought or emotion from arising,we have the power to let it go,。對于情緒不是堵，而是疏,。

let it go可行嗎,？作者認為可行。要let it go兩樣東西,，即grasping(比如沉溺于舊日好時光)和aversion(比如厭惡疼痛),。

3.【General Principles for Dealing with Distress】

(1) Know when you are not in pain.該歡樂時就盡情享受歡樂時光；即便是在低潮中

有時也會歡樂。

(2) Do not feel bad about feeling bad.

(3) Do not feed the monsters.（monsters cause our distress,occupying the mind and wreaking havoc on our emotions)

(4) Start every thought with kindness andhumor.【Every time Ilose my temper or have a greedy or spiteful thought that does not go away for awhile, it is like I have fallen off the wagon again. Of course, I can interpretfalling off the wagon as a humiliating and embarrassing experience. However, itis much more fun to think of the experience as a scene in an oldblack-and-white comedy. Guy falls off wagon in the context of fast, playfulmusic, makes a funny face, dusts himself off, and then climbs back up on thewagon in a quick, awkward, and jerky motion. It is all very funny.So every timeI fail, it is a comedy.】

4. 降到了trigger的問題表現(xiàn)為

(1)Body: Shallow breathing, rapidheartbeat, and sick to the stomach

(2)Emotions: Experiencing aflight-or-flight response, either feeling like a “deer in headlights” or havingan emotional outburst (what Goleman famously calls an “amygdala hijack”)

(3)Thoughts: Feeling like a victim,thoughts of blame and judgment, difficulty paying attention

要懂得在how todeal with triggers

5. 處理trigger和其他負面情緒的方法——Siberian North Railroad

(1) Stop

(2) Breathe

(3) Notice

(4) Reflect

(5) Respond (Bring to mind ways in whichyou might respond to this situation that would have a positive outcome)可以委屈自己也可以不委屈自己,，關鍵這件事要有positiveoutcome,，對事不對人

-----------------開始講create useful mentalhabits----------

Chapt 7.

這章講發(fā)現(xiàn)自己的motivation

1.happiness分為三種：pleasure, passion和higher purpose

*來自pleasure的幸福感是很難持續(xù)的(Once the pleasurable stimulus ceases, or if you habituate to it,then your happiness returns to your default set point)<</span>來自passion的happiness<</span>來自higher purpose的happiness；但我們往往追逐的是pleasure>passion>higherpurpose

所以,，the bestway to find motivation at work is to find our own higher purpose. 比如說我最value free time宅著,，那么time就是我必須考慮的東西

2.怎么獲得motivation

(1) Alignment: Aligning our work with ourvalues and higher purpose

或者說，為了快樂而工作come to the office tohobby away and get paid.

Alignment基于self-awareness（了解自己才知道自己的價值取向),，而根據(jù)前文所言,，是可以通過mindfulness來訓練出self-awareness的。另外的訓練方法是不斷地和別人交流和journal.

(2) Envisioning: Seeing the desired futurefor ourselves

(3) Resilience: The ability to overcomeobstacles in our path,；從三個層面上訓練,，即inner calm，emotional resilience和cognitive resilience(If you have access to a deep inner calm in yourmind, then no matter the ups and downs of day-to-day life, you can always beresilient)(Success and failure are emotional experiences. By working at thislevel, we can increase our capacity for grasping and aversion - let it go).

3.怎么變樂觀

(1) becoming aware of our own strongnegative experiential bias

人們總偏向于關注壞事,，3件好事才能1件壞事帶來的負面感受,。要了解這種偏向,。

(2) use mindfulness to createself-objectivity

特別是,，wheneveryou experience success or failure, first bring mindfulness to your body，注意身體的變化,。人不是情緒本身,，人只經(jīng)歷情緒。Next, bring mindfulnessto the emotional experience, remembering that the body is where emotionsmanifest most vividly. Finally, bring mindfulness to your thoughts. How are youexplaining the event to yourself? Do you feel powerful or helpless? How areyour thoughts related to your emotions? If this event is an experience ofsuccess, bring mindfulness to the tendency to downplay it, or if the event isan experience of failure, bring mindfulness to its disproportionally strongeffect on you.

【也就是隨時使用bodyscan,，發(fā)現(xiàn)這是一個不斷強調(diào)的mentalhabit】

(3) transformation and take notes of the successexperience

--這章開始不講intrepersonal intelligence,，講interpersonal的social skills---

Chapt 8.

Empathy

1.從科學的角度上說，人都有同情心empathy and compassion,，這種empathy源自人們都有的Kindness,，能隨著鍛煉而提高。從與前文的關系看,，人的self-awareness越高,，就越有empathy的能力（因為人知道自己是什么樣的，就越能感受到相同的人的感受）,。

2. Empathy Is Not Psychologizing* or Agree**

*When we psychologize, we are actuallydismissing the problem, not understanding it.

**在作出tough decision的時候也可以同樣保持empahy,。不一定要agree，但要show (case) your good will,，盡量爭取 find creative ways that eithersolve everybody’s problems or at least mitigate some concerns in some major way,。

3. 怎么提高empathy？正如1.所言,，人能感受到相似的人的感受,，I Feel What You Feel If You Are Similar to Me。具體做法：Just Like Me/Loving Kindness Meditation

Facilitate the growth of others and bringout the best in them - TRUST

4. Empathy有利于構建信任，從而有利于團隊工作

5. 團隊工作失敗的五大原因（金字塔從下到上）：absense of turst < fear of conflict（因為沒有trust,，人們不愿意參加healthyconflict從而讓問題不能得到解決)< lack of commitment < avoidance of accountability < inattention toresults

6.開會時要有三個agenda在心中,，這樣就能建造團隊信任

(1)Assume that everybody in this room ishere to serve the greater good, until proven otherwise.

(2) Given the above assumption, wetherefore assume that none of us has any hidden agenda, until proven otherwise.

(3) Given the above assumption, wetherefore assume that we are all reasonable even when we disagree, until provenotherwise.

7.鍛煉途徑，和mindfulness listening類似的emotional listening

Praising people skillfully - empathy skillsfor one-on-one interactions

8.First and foremost, always praiseauthentically 首先,，不能虛假地贊揚,。其次，需要一點技巧,。

9.Being praised for being smart is bad foryou.因為一旦出現(xiàn)錯誤,，就會覺得是自己本身的智力出了問題。

10. 所以不要給person praise（與fixed mindset相關）而要給process praise（與growth mindset相關）

Political awareness - empathy skills fororganization communication

11. 在組織中也可以有empathy -- political awareness. In political awareness, youunderstand the feelings, needs, and concerns of individual people AND how thosefeelings, needs, and concerns interact with those of others and how that allweaves into the emotional fabric of the organization as a whole. 

12. 四大原則

(1) Maintain rich personal networks withinyour organization, especially with allies, mentors, and groups who will supportand challenge you. To do this, care about people, help people, and nurturerelationships. Pay attention to one-on-one relationships, as well asrelationships with key groups—your team, other management teams, customers,stakeholders, etc.

(2) Practice reading the underlyingcurrents of your organization. Understand how decisions are made. Are decisionsmade by authority or consensus? Who are most influential in making them?

(3) Distinguish between your own self-interest,the interest of your team, and the organization’s interest—everyone has allthree of these interests. It is very important to understand which is which.

(4) Utilize your self-awareness to betterunderstand your role in the web of personalities and interactions. Makefrequent use of empathic listening to understand how people feel aboutsituations and about each other.

Chapt 9.

再次強調(diào),，beingloved,、affection、empathy是一種領袖氣質(zhì)（正如上周thesis課講global leadership所說的那樣）,。這章講怎么被喜歡,。

1. 首先，出發(fā)點是kindness,。作者這里舉了一個換位思考的例子,。

2. 三個能力：leading with compassion, influencing with goodness, 和communicating with insight.

leading with compassion

3. compassion不會帶來unpleasant的精神狀態(tài)，而是帶來極度幸福感,；compassion也對提高領導能力大有助益,。

4. 什么是compassion:

(1). A cognitive component: “I understandyou”

(2). An affective component: “I feel foryou”

(3). A motivational component: “I want tohelp you”

(1)和(2)→humber

(3)→ambitious(for general good)

5.鍛煉方法：

(1)creating mental habits

The premise is the same: the more you thinkabout something, the stronger the neural pathways conducive to that thoughtbecome, and the easier it is to have that thought.

(2)visualization

When we breathe in, we visualize that we'rebreathing in our own goodness, we visualize multiplying that goodness by ten inour hearts, and then when we breathe out, we visualize giving all that goodnessto the world. After that, we breathe in the goodness of other people and do thesame. If you want, you may visualize the goodness as white light.這個鍛煉有三個好處，Seeing goodness in selfand others, Giving goodness to all和Confidence in the transformative power of self (that I can multiplygoodness)

*類似的還有tonglen呼吸法

influencing with goodness

6.作者提到一點很有意思,，他說關鍵不在于acquire influence, 而是expand the influence we already have and to use it for the good ofall.

7.人的大腦總是趨向于rewards而避開threat,，而且兩者的比例不一樣。比如說日常生活中三件好事帶來的正面效果才能抵消一件壞事帶來的負面效果（3:1）,，婚姻中這個比例進而上升為5:1

8. five domains of social experience thatthe brain treats as primary rewards or threats - SCARF

(1)Status | status threat作者認為重要的是自己和之前的自己比,，status是否有提升

The good news is there is a good way toincrease your own status without harming others, and that is what David calls“playing against yourself.” When you improve a skill (such as improving yourgolf handicap), you activate a status reward relative to your former self. Thisis perhaps why mastery is such a powerful motivator (see Chapter 6). When yougain increasing mastery over something that matters to you, you activate astatus reward, at least when compared against your former self.

(2)Centainty

(3)Autonomy

作者又真相了it's notthe stress itself that gets to you; it’s the feeling of helplessness in theface of that stress.

(4)Relatedness

Relatedness is the perception of whetheranother person is a “friend” or a “foe”.

(5)Fairness

9.如何擴大影響力？——靠goodness

(1). Know that you already have influence.

(2). Strengthen self-confidence.

(3). Understand people and help themsucceed.

(4). Serve the greater good.

communicating with insights

10.effective communication除了empathy還需要有insights

11.如何進行difficult conversation (conversation that are hard to have)

(1) Prepare by walking through the “threeconversations”.

In every conversation, there are actuallythree conversations going on. They are the content conversation (Whathappened?), the feelings conversation (What emotions are involved?), and theidentity conversation (What does this say about me?).

盡量客觀地思考這三個conversation,，考慮自己和對方的感受,。

(2) Decide whether to raise the issue.

Isit a productive intention (for example, to solve a problem, to help somebodydevelop themselves) or is it a nonproductive intention (for example, justwanting to make someone feel bad)?

談話最好是為了support learning and problemsolving，不然沒啥必要談

(3) Start from the objective “third story”.

Invitethe other party to join you as a partner in sorting out the situation together.

(4) Explore their story and yours.

Listento their story. Empathize. Share your story. Explore how you each perceive thesame situation differently. Reframe the stories from one of blame andaccusation to one of learning about how each contributes to the situation andthe emotions involved.

(5) Problem solve

找到兩全其美的解決方案,，繼續(xù)保持溝通,，關注雙方利益

12.作者強調(diào)人際關系維護中要注意兩個觀點

(1) Impact is not the intention.傷害你（impact)的人未必有傷害你的意圖（intention)。

(2) Beyond the content and emotions inevery difficult conversation, there are, more importantly, issues of identity.在“困難談話”中,，除了內(nèi)容和情感,，更重要的是這個談話也涉及到大家的身份問題。一場困難談話中,，人們總?cè)滩蛔≠|(zhì)疑自己：我有能力嗎,？我是個好人嗎,？我值得愛嗎？

13. mindful emailing

寫郵件時會失去很多nonverbalinformation,，比如表情等等,。這個交流方式也會造成一定誤解。解決方法還是用Mindfulness,。

The first thing we recollect is that thereis a human being on the other end, a human being just like me. The second thingwe recollect is this insight that people who receive e-mails unconsciouslyfabricate missing information about the emotional context of the sender, so weapply the appropriate care and caution.

【一個有用的tip：發(fā)郵件前檢查一遍,，站在收者的角度思考?！緽efore sending,mindfully reflect on the insight that if the emotional context of your messageis unclear, the receiver's brain will just make something up that is likelymore negative than you intended. Put yourself in the receiver’s shoes, pretendyou know nothing about the sender’s (your) emotional context, pretend also thatyou have a negative bias, and read your e-mail. Revise your e-mail ifnecessary.

14. 作者的咒語：

Love them. Understand them. Forgive them.Grow with them.